


The Bond's We Break

by dreamsoflovingness



Series: A Ballad of Fire [9]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Azriel Needs a Hug (ACoTaR), Denial of Feelings, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lucien Vanserra-centric, M/M, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, POV Lucien (ACoTaR), Past Rape/Non-con, Poor Lucien Vanserra, Sad Lucien Vanserra, The Day Court (Acotar)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29590464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsoflovingness/pseuds/dreamsoflovingness
Summary: If only Azriel was his mate not Elain. Ambrose plunged his hand into Lucien’s abdomen and he cried out, his mouth filling with blood.He wished for it more than anything in that moment._______Lucien lives up to the name his father had earned which would one day be his, the Spell-Cleaver
Relationships: Azriel/Lucien Vanserra, Cassian & Lucien Vanserra, Elain Archeron & Lucien Vanserra, Helion & Lucien Vanserra, Helion (ACoTaR)/Original Character(s), Rhysand & Lucien Vanserra
Series: A Ballad of Fire [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974892
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	The Bond's We Break

**Author's Note:**

> I'm waiting by the window for the mail to come and leave my copy of ACOSF I've been camped out here since this morning literally the minute I get it I'm staring it midterms be dammed.

Lucien couldn’t believe what he had been told. Azriel...a monster...because of  _ him. _ All that he could think of how he had brought misfortune to another court where the person he cared about the most would be at the receiving end,  _ again _ . The one person who had been patient with him. Who understood him. Who was willing to wait a thousand years for him. Azriel would become a monster for the love he held for Lucien. Just as Jesminda had died for it. 

He let go of Elain’s arms and stumbled away from her, his eyes wide in horror. Icy dread filled his chest as Azriel tried to reach for him. No, he couldn’t let him grab him. Azriel couldn’t be close to him, he’d ruin him like Elain’s vision showed. He couldn’t protect Jesminda, but he would not let Azriel be ruined because of him. So he roughly pushed the Illyrian away. His instincts navigated him back into the room until he wrapped in warm arms. 

“It’s alright Lucien,” Helion’s voice soothed. When had they fallen to the ground? Why was he shaking so much? Lucien squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears from ruining the gold paint Helion had used. Long, slim fingers pulled his face into a warm chest to hide him from the crowd that stumbled into the room. 

“Lucien…” Azriel whispered. The voice sounded muddled to Lucien, like he was underwater and Azriel was calling for him on the surface. A whimper escaped his throat as he hid into the warm chest again. 

“It’s alright, little sun,” Helion whispered. His voice was the only one who cut through the muddled thoughts in his head. “Maybe it’s best you leave us.”

“Talk to us,” Feyre’s voice said. 

His skin felt hot, too hot, like it had all those weeks ago, before Azriel had taken to Illyria. Before Azriel could help him sooth the magic raging within him, begging to be broken free again. This wasn’t coming from inside him. No, it was all around him but not from within. Helion was snapping something, he couldn’t hear enough to understand his words. But he could feel the erratic rise and fall of his chest with each word. He risked a glance behind him. 

His eyes widened at the sight of the fireplace. It’s flames were licking the outer stone, threatening to spill over into the room and engulf the entire manor. They rose higher than he had ever seen them. A single shaky hand reached out and the flames swirled out to him. It didn’t burn his skin the closer they got. With a wave of his hand they retreated and calmed again. 

“Out, I mean it,” Helion snarled when Lucien slumped in his arms tiredly. Several pairs of footsteps echoed until the room was silenced with the door closing. 

“Don’t break it,” Lucien whispered, watching as the shadows slowly retreated back into their corners. Back to the one who commanded them. 

“Lucien?” Helion moved until he was cupping his cheeks, too weak to hold his head up on his own. His mechanical eye whirled as it focused on his father in front of him. Beron would have backhanded by then. He had when Lucien had clung to his coat on his knees, begging him to spare Jesminda and punish him instead. Helion wasn’t Beron, he had to constantly remind himself of this. Beron’s eyes would never be as concerned as Helion’s. His touch was never as gentle. His love was never pure.

“Please don’t release the magic, keep it locked away forever,” Lucien begged, a tear slipping down his cheek. Helion didn’t wipe it away. 

“I’m sorry Lucien,” Helio said after a moment, “I can’t do that. You can’t run from this power.”

“Please…” His voice trailed off before he could say it. He would not manipulate his father by calling him when he wanted to hear more than anything for his own selfish gain. This time, he would not be the fox. He would simply be a son. 

“You need to master this power before it consumes you,” Helion tried to reason. 

“Fine,” Lucien breathed. 

He couldn’t run from this power, but he could run from  _ him _ . 

***

“How long have you been staring out the window this time?” 

Lucien glanced from his place on the windowsill to Hemera. He could see why Helion liked her immediately, it was like looking at the female version of his father. Although she had a sharper temper than his father. He also recognized her from under the mountain. When her eyes widened at the sight of him, he knew she did too. She had been standing next to Helion while Amarantha ripped his eye out after all. 

“Not long,” he answered, his chiton flowing in the window. 

He had been at the Day Court for a few weeks. Helion brought him after Lucien had begged him to get him out of the Night Court. There hadn’t been a moment for goodbyes, or for him to grab any of his own things. Going to get his belongings from Azriel’s apartment would mean seeing the male face to face. If he saw Azriel he knew he’d crumble and stay. But he had to go, he had to run for Azriel to be safe. Even if meant being contained to wearing only his father’s old chitons. 

“He’s harassing Brontes again,” Hemera said, “if you don’t see him I will rip his wings off.”

Poor Brontes, having to deal with Cassian every time the General Commander decided to fly to the Day Court in another attempt to see Lucien. He wouldn’t let him. There was no way he could allow Cassian into his life and not Azriel. It would break him to see the similarities between the two with each visit. But he knew soft-spoken Brontes would not be able to hold him off much longer. 

“Please don’t,” Lucien mumbled, “I...please tell him not today. Tell him I’m tired.”

“Lucien,” Hemera said softly, glancing at his bandaged arms. 

He wanted the shadows again. It had been days since he had slept, the guilt of both leaving and Azriel’s future eating away at him. Part of him wanted relief, the other part of him was hoping shadows would shoot out from the corner to encase his wrists again. 

Instead he had to go to Helion’s room sobbing, apologizing and begging for help. His father had been understanding, soothingly stroking his hair and assuring him while a healer bandaged his wrists. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it felt good to be comforted by his father. 

“Like hell will I leave!” Cassian’s voice carried into the room from the hall. Lucien’s head snapped towards the door. He scooted back until his back was pressed against the glass. For a moment he wondered if he could make the jump. 

“Cassian,” his father’s voice made him still, “Lucien is not up to guests.”

“I have another letter,” Cassian answered. Another letter to add to the stack mounting on the bedside table. Letters he poured over, tracing each word and breathing in the scent yet never being able to respond. 

“I’ll make sure he gets it,” Helion said.

“Helion please...I just need to make sure he’s alright,” Cassian said.

“Do you not trust me to keep my own son safe, Cassian?” Helion snarled. 

“I can smell his blood, in the air,” Cassian snapped, “if he-”

“He did but we took care of it,” Helion said, “I can take care of my son.”

“Azriel-”

“Is not my concern,” Helion interrupted, “I’m sorry Cassian, but my priority is my son.”

“Just tell him to respond to at least one letter,” Cassian mumbled, “Azriel is really fucking worried.”

“I’ll make sure he responds.” Lucien wanted to scoff, but he stopped himself from making a noise even if he knew his father had personally warded his room. 

“They care about you,” Hemera said, “Lucien we-”

“Don’t.”

“But-”

“Don’t finish that thought. Those who care about me end up broken or dead,” Lucien whispered. 

“That’s not true,” Hemera said strongly. 

“Helion and Cassian are fighting right now,” Lucien said, referring to the angry yells from distantly down the hall. No doubt Helion led him away so Lucien wouldn’t hear. “They never fought before I got involved. Please, Hemera, just go.”

“If you think just because a single vision showed Azriel as a monster does not mean it was your fault. Have you ever considered that he became that because you left him?” Hemera suggested.

“He’s safer away from me. Everyone is.”

“Respond to his letter,” Hemera, “then change for dinner.”

He didn’t respond as she left him alone. It didn’t take long for the light weight of the envelope appearing on his lap to capture his attention. He ripped the wax seal and pulled out the papers. More tumbled out behind them. Azriel had really packed them in tightly this time. 

_ Lucien please…come home… _

***

“There’s something you want to say, spit it out,” Lucien sighed. Helion had wandered into his room yet said nothing for a while. Both males avoided their gaze, looking elsewhere. Helion leaned against the bedpost to watch Lucien lay in bed and Lucien stared out the window. 

“It’s winter solstice in a few weeks,” Helion said. 

“I know. Rhysand reminded me,” Lucien mumbled. That was an unfortunate development. He responded to only one letter and suddenly Rhysand also took it as an opening to send his own. Ones the expected immediate responses. 

“And Azriel came the other day,” Helion said. 

“Brontes told me.”

“Lucien,” Helion sighed, “you can’t run from him just like you can’t avoid your power.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not fair to him,” he said, “he loves you Lucien, more than you can imagine.”

“I’d only hurt him,” Lucien whispered. 

He watched with tired eyes and Helion pushed himself off the bedpost. Beron would have never sat next to him or ran his fingers through his hair like Helion began to do. There was one time, Lucien was still so young, not even a century old yet, when his favorite horse had died. It had been a gift to his mother for his birth from the Night Court. A few years later she gifted it to him. No one else could tame it but she was insistent of keeping it, the horse was meant for him to ride on day. It’s mane was white like starlight and the rest of its body black like the night sky. When it ran it became a blur. There was no other horse who could catch up to him. 

His brothers were always jealous of him. Their horses were stronger than his, larger as well. But they could never catch up to him. To Astrid. They would ride through the forest at night and Lucien felt like if he stretched his arm he’d feel his fingers glide across the stars. His brothers always threatened to break his toys when he was a child, sometimes they did sometimes they didn’t. So when Asher had threatened his horse he had waved him off. 

He woke up to the news the next morning that Astrid’s throat had been cut in the middle of the night. It wasn’t until he saw Asher being guided in by their mother covered in blood that he had snapped. Eris pulled him away from their brother as he yelled and cursed and cried. 

When Beron visited his room later he hadn’t run his fingers through Lucien’s hair like Helion was doing. He had gripped the red locks in his hand and pulled him out of the bed, dragging him to the throne room until he was on his knees in front of his brothers. It was the first time Lucien felt true fear of them. All six glowering down at him, so much bigger and older, waiting for him. Beran had kicked his back until he fell onto his hands and knees, instructing him to apologize for his superior horse. Lucien hadn’t said anything. Until Beron kicked his jaw. Then he also had to apologize for getting blood on his brother’s boots. 

“Lucien,” Helion broke him out of his dark thoughts, “I wish everyday that your mother had told me about you sooner.”

“Me too,” Lucien whispered. 

“Consider Winter Solstice, if not for him for me,” Helion said softly. 

Lucien didn’t answer, but the hum he offered instead seemed to please Helion. But he didn’t leave. He stayed with Lucien until he fell asleep with the feeling of fingers running through his hair. 

***

_ You did this to me _ . 

It was dark all around Lucien, but recognized this place. The mud brown floor caked with blood and filth. The carved walls where creatures hide. This was under the mountain. He hadn’t dreamt of it in so long, why now?

_ Because you deserve nothing _ . 

Lucien whirled around and felt his stomach churn. 

Jesminda was standing there. But not as he remembered her with skin as dark the trunk of his favorite tree and her wide hips that would sway when they danced. Her eyes, her eyes that were as brown as the vanilla beans that his mother would have delivered from the Summer Court. Or her hair curled and was auburn like the leaves on the Autumn trees. 

She stood before him as she had when her brothers had torture and ripped her apart. Her skin was caked in blood, the would on her stomach from where Carmine had ripped her insides out from was still oozing. He wanted to throw up as she walked over to him, her leg that Roux had twisted in the wrong direction dragging beside her. 

“No,” he whimpered, stepping back only to bump into another body. Their arms snaked around his waist and he felt his throat tighten. 

“Oh Lucien, what’s wrong?” Ianthe’s voice breathed into his ear. “We had so much fun together.”

“No,” he whimpered, trying to force himself to move only to be rooted in his place. 

“What to do with you, little brother?” Ambrose appeared before him. The stab wounds on his chest crusted over with the dirt he left him lying in. 

“Let go of me!” He screamed, clawing at Ianthe’s arms. He cried out as Ambrose gripped his jaw. 

“Why so desperate, little Lucien?” he snapped. 

“No, please,” Lucien sobbed as Ianthe’s hands began to roam. 

He wanted the shadows. The ones that didn’t bleed into the darkness. He wanted the warmth and comfort they brought. He wanted Azriel to save him again, to pull him from this nightmare. 

“He’s doing it,” Ambrose said with an amused grin, “didn’t think you had it in you, little brother.”

His thoughts raced too fast, he couldn’t keep up with them. All he wanted to do was to be wrapped up in his shadows until Azriel could reach him. To save him.

If only Azriel was his mate not Elain. Ambrose plunged his hand into Lucien’s abdomen and he cried out, his mouth filling with blood.

He wished for it more than anything in that moment. 

_ Snap _

Lucien woke up screaming. His throat burned as it tore out of his throat, choking him until he was gasping for air that would fill his lungs. Blinding pain radiated from his chest, as if his heart had been ripped out. His hands pressed into his chest, anything to ease the pain that began to spread throughout his entire body. 

“Lucien!” Helion screamed, pulling him into his arms as Lucien cried out again, “go for a healer, now Brontes!”

“Elain,” Lucien choked out through wave after wave of agony. Reaching out for their bond he expected to be met with the flowery warmth that was so intrinsically Elain. Only he felt...nothing. It was like before they had met only emptier. A choked gasp left his lips as he kept trying to reach out only to feel nothing. 

“Lucien?” Helion said softly, pressing a hand to cheek and guiding his face until he could get a good look at him.

“What have I done?” He gasped. 

“Send someone to the Night Court, I need to know what’s happening there,” Helion instructed Hemera the minute she walked through the door. 

“High Lord Rhysand and General Commander Cassian are here,” Brontes cried out, “they refuse to be denied visitation.”

“What the hell are they doing here?” Hemera snapped. 

“They think Lucien is dead, his mate felt the bond break,” Brontes said, “they want to see him.”

“They won’t stop until they do,” Helion mumbled, “let them in.”

“What have I done…” Lucien’s voice cracked as he clung to Helion. 

He heard the slamming doors and felt the warm hands pulling him away from his father. Then he was face to face with Rhysand who looked like just as much of a mess as he did. Tears were staining his cheeks and glistening in his eyes as he cupped his cheek. Cassian behind him was sobbing in relief, sliding down the wall as Rhysand pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

“By the Cauldron,” Rhysand whispered, gripping the back of his chiton as Lucien rested his head on his shoulder. Rhysand was always so warm and inviting. He just tried to ignore the trembling of his shoulder and the growing wetness on his own shoulder. 

“Rhysand,” Helion’s voice wasn’t the calm fatherly tone Lucien had grown accustomed to, this was the High Lord speaking, “mind telling me why you thought my son was dead?

“Elain woke up screaming,” Rhysand answered, his voice thick with emotion, “she said the bond broken. In her dream Lucien was killed by his brother we...we feared the worst.”

“And Azriel?” Helion asked. 

“A mess,” Cassian answered, pushing himself off the floor, “he needs to know you’re alive Lucien, from you. He won’t believe us.”

“Bring him,” Lucien whimpered, “please, please.”

“It’s okay Little Lucien,” Rhysand soothed, “Cassian, bring him.”

Cassian nodded as Rhysand winnowed him away. They shifted their position so that he was once again cupping his cheeks, looking him over for any sign of injuring. Instead he settled for wiping away any tears that flowed down his blotchy cheeks.

“What happened to you?” Rhysand asked gently. 

“I broke it,” he whispered. He felt Rhysand’s hand still against his cheeks. 

“That’s not possible,” Helion mumbled.

“Unless it was a spell,” Rhysand cursed, “oh little Lucien.”

He didn’t even want to unpack what Rhysand had just said. So he just looked behind him to where the shadows began to bleed out of the wall. They oozed until Rhysand stepped back to let them take his place. Soon the cool shadows were replaced with scarred hands and frantic honey eyes looking him over. 

There was a shift in Azriel’s gaze as he looked him over. It was a familiar gaze. Lucien had seen it in himself in Hybern. Realization filled his eyes as warmth bloomed in his chest. He didn’t stop Azriel from pulling him into a kiss. Their weeks apart had done nothing but grow the passion between them. His own hands reached to grip the collar of his shirt. How panicked was Azriel to come to another court in his regular clothes? 

“Lucien,” Azriel breathed when he pulled away. 

“Az?” Cassian’s eyes glanced between them.

“Mate,” was all Azriel responded. 

Lucien should’ve been happy. It was what he wanted after all; a mate who loved him and actually wanted to live their life with him. Yet when Azriel uttered those words bile crawled up his throat. Even as he pulled Lucien into his arms as the others offered them shaky, confused congratulations he felt that nausea growing. When Azriel reached out down the new bond Lucien should’ve reciprocated the motion and enveloped it just as he did with Elain.

But the only thought running through his mind was  _ what have I done? _

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I have a theory/idea call it what you will. 
> 
> Remember how the King of Hybern could break the bond between Feyre and Rhys with the Cauldron? Mhm?  
> What if he could also create a bond? Say, like the one with Lucien and Elain? Then Lucien as the son of Helion the Spell-Cleaver then he could technically break that spell too?
> 
> Just a thought...


End file.
